For Natty & Nick
Like these flowers, you are going to experience the many different stages of life. While you will share the similarity of experience, time and circumstance with others, in time you will discover you are always in your own unique place. Sometimes you’ll be there alone and learning to live there can be tough.
As I enter yet another stage of my life I find have been doing a lot of reflecting of late. Reflection is a funny thing and because hindsight really is 20/20, I realize that I’ve made an uncountable number of mistakes during my lifetime. There are times I find myself wishing I could turn back the clock and get a “do over”, not for myself but for all the people in my life who deserved better from me, most notably, the two of you.
It seems I find myself forever starting over again, trying to “get it right”. Well, for what it’s worth, it’s never too late to be who ever you want to be. There’s no time limit, start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
I find myself in this reflective state, questioning my decision to leave you there in the US while I re-invent myself and scratch out a new life here in China. Of course you know the many reasons why I’m here but I am wondering, if given the choice, would I do it all over again.
How could I?
My mood of late is paralytic. Strangely, I have to say I am not despondent really, no I think it’s more accurate to say I’m stuck. I am trying to embrace the melancholy, learn from it, figure out a way to help you learn from it. It’s not easy. Nothing I say, nothing I write seems to be strong enough. I hope one day soon I’ll figure something out to make it all better. As trite as it may be, I can think of nothing more to say, except I love you, I miss you and I am proud of you. The happiest day of my life will be the day I see you both again.
In it’s earliest incarnation, this blog was intended to be a way of keeping my kids abreast of what was happening with me here in China. Obviously it has evolved, but for this post there is no need to leave a comment…